HOW TO: compliment a girl.

This post is in no way contradictory to my previous stance on compliments, but I mean, damn, boy, if you’re going to do it, at least do it right.

I admit it: complimenting somebody is a damned if you do, damned if you don’t kind of situation. If you do compliment somebody, you are likely to plant a neurotic seed of doubt in their mind as to why you’re picking this special moment to tell them something. Does the fact that you think they look nice now mean that you think you’re a slob the rest of the time? Does the fact that they like your cooking mean they want to take you back to the 50’s and shackle you to a stove? And what exactly do you mean by saying we look like Kim Kardashian in that dress? What if we don’t like Kim Kardashian?! What if Kourtney is our favorite?!?

(I’m going too far with this, but seriously, Scott Disick is a national treasure. It has to be reiterated every chance I get.)

And what if you don’t say anything? Suddenly, you’re pegged as the obtuse idiot who never notices anything, who doesn’t care about the time and effort we put into shit — allegedly, I could honestly go days without remembering to wash my hair if I don’t shower at the gym, but I hear talk from other XX chromosomes, so I’m just the messenger — and who isn’t worthy of being around our regal asses.

I feel for you, guys. You never win.

But I also believe in doing something right the first time around, and come on, kids, it’s really not that difficult.

Look, okay, I’m sorry to throw you under the bus here because I really do think it’s sweet of you to say so, but let’s face it: that phrase sounds like something that was generated out of a language translator. And if it was, honestly, thank you for making it easy for me to understand your message, but what if you’d left it in your native tongue? If I were interested — and I usually am, curiosity will always kill me — I’d plug it into a translator and voila, instant surprise. And chicks love surprises. We do. I mean, then you win a double whammy, and it might as well be the superbowl. Surprise a girl, and she’s all yours.

Which is why, when you compliment her, you really ought to spring it on her organically. Don’t make some elaborate set up. Go for the punch line. If you think she looks nice, you should just SAY IT instead of waiting for the right moment to slide it into conversation like you’re Barry White. Nobody is that smooth. Nobody has a voice grounded in such a bass. I bet they had autotune in the 70’s, too, okay.

Also, being specific about things unique to her is a big plus. Know your demographic, guys. I don’t know about being an “attractive woman” because let’s face it — I hardly act like a woman. I’m 23, and I believe that men mature and girls get old. I will probably be a girl until I’m 35, and even then, I’ll be drastically in denial. The trajectory goes from “girl” to “cougar” in my universe, and there is no stopping at go, no collecting $200. Beyond that, being attractive isn’t anything I strive for on a daily basis. Telling me I look like a Victoria’s Secret angel? Farfetched, but I’ll give it to you. Saying that you like the way my hair ended up after I threw it into a bun in my zombie walk to the coffee pot this morning? I mean, that was luck, but I’ll take it.

You know who else is an attractive woman? Ann Coulter, ostensibly. In theory. I mean, she’s basically an extension of the Real Housewives of Orange County to be blonde and skinny. She meets their criteria, and she’d fit right in. And by all accounts, the societal norm for beauty in America is usually to be blonde and skinny. Ann Coulter might be attractive on paper; if you looked at a photo of her without ever having heard her open her trap and speak that nasty, evil hellfire from her devil tongue, you could say she was attractive.

People found Sarah Palin to be attractive. Anna Nicole Smith was attractive to some people.

Do you see where I’m going with this?

There are so many words that are just words, and then there are the words that actually hold value to people. The things we like about you? We would probably like to be true about ourselves, because most of the time, the way you see somebody tells a lot of what you value in general.

So call me smart, or clever, or funny — or just say you found any of the jokes in here to actually be humorous. I’ll suspend my doubt for a moment. But be sincere, and do what a compliment is intended to do: for a brief, shining moment, make her feel as if she’s the only girl in the room. We’re self-aware and we’re insecure and we’re narcissists, a lot of the time. And if you manage to make us forget about all that self-doubt for even one second, we’re all yours.

Really.

@1 year ago with 28 notes
  1. leftylucie reblogged this from andellasaid
  2. grempz reblogged this from andellasaid
  3. meandmyopinion reblogged this from andellasaid
  4. theflightrisk said: Ann Coulter is hideous.
  5. capricious said: your opinion is valid, but omg, not everyone is like this. when i get a compliment, i say thank you. i assume good intentions. i don’t think it means some convulated backhanded thing. ‘you look nice today’ - ‘oh, thank you!’ dassit.
  6. pharmkitten said: "We’re self-aware and we’re insecure and we’re narcissists, a lot of the time. And if you manage to make us forget about all that self-doubt for even one second, we’re all yours." Um yes. So very much yes. Sad but true.
  7. trainhard-fighteasy reblogged this from andellasaid
  8. rebeccaruns reblogged this from andellasaid and added:
    Amen. A-fucking-men.
  9. ecgroom said: Good advice - and that’s what I enjoy about your posts (any compliments beyond that would have to wait until we meet irl…if ever) ;)
  10. andellasaid posted this